Dear DoubleTake,
I am married to a soldier, and we have two kids together.
I was madly and blindly in love when we first were together. During our third deployment four years ago, he cheated with one of his co-workers. Since then, we have tried to work things out.
He puts forth all efforts he can to show me he can be trusted and he loves me as much as I used to love him.
I have not gotten over the betrayal.
As wedding anniversaries and special holidays come and go, I see I don't care as I used to. As I am approaching yet another deployment, do you think I should keep investing in a relationship that has potential and a place to get back to, or do you think I should cut my losses and let us both try over again.

BETTY SAYS:

It doesn't state in your letter if he told you up front that he cheated. That's not really the point, but he is honestly trying to piece back your marriage. You do have two children together, so that also puts the odds back in his favor.

Nobody likes to be told to stay with a cheater. It is up to you if the marriage feels solid enough to stay in, or if you are willing to let certain parts of the past slide.

You may be dwelling on his adultery when you shouldn't be, allowing his pending deployment to prey on your fears. Try to change your view because, truly, you miss those anniversaries, holidays and weekends at home.

Figure out your future by looking ahead. Who's in it? If you want your husband deployed from your life, then weigh out what needs to be done for a divorce.

EDDIE SAYS:

Your husband hurt you deeply. You have a right to be angry and take a long time to get over that.

But if he truly regrets what he did and can march a straight path from here out, don't you owe it to your children to try to keep your marriage together? TV and movies always show us people dramatically splitting up after infidelity, but since it's a common thing, there have to be couples out there who find a way to forgive and build something strong again.

We get many, many letters from people who say, "He cheated, and now won't talk about it or change his behavior." You could consider yourself somewhat lucky that you have a guy who regrets what he did and wants to make amends -- assuming he's sincere.

If he is, then it's probably the best thing for you and your family to think first of staying together. I don't mean to make that sound easy -- you may need a professional to help you -- but it can be done.

Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Betty offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions. Double Take Archive:
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