Dear DoubleTake,
I am in my early 30s and I am married for the second time. I had a terrible first marriage with violence and cheating, so to be married again is very scary.
My husband is a good man. He works very hard and is there for my children and me.
But lately I am seeing signs that make me believe he is cheating, like my first husband. I don't know if I am just reliving the past, or if there really is something going on. If I question him, he gets very defensive and that again causes fear and suspision. I don't know what to do.
I don't want to take out the problems from my first marriage on my husband. Should I let the past go and try to be as happy as I can be, or learn from the past and take the signs as the past repeating? Please give me your opinions.

BETTY SAYS:

Thank goodness you're aware that your past fears could be sneaking up on you and making you paranoid, because it sounds like youre acting weird and possibly causing relationship sabotage.

But if you do find solid proof that he's cheating, allow the bad experiences from your first marriage to give you strength to leave right away. It's sad to think that you could be victimized again, but at least if that happens you'll be able to sort out what kind of unhealthy patterns you're following.

For now, take a good look at what's broken inside you that's causing you to be suspicious about your husband. There's a lot of pain lurking here with regard to your ex, and it might help you to see a professional to talk about how to move forward and think in the present.

If your husband is indeed being unfaithful and then says later that it's your fault because of your issues, don't worry about his excuse. Just move on.

EDDIE SAYS:

You didn't let us know how long your first marriage lasted, or how long you spent on your own before getting married again.

My guess is that it wasn't very long, since you never seem to have quite come to terms with the problems the first time. There's nothing wrong with that, because it sounds like you went through something terrible, and that can be hard to get past.

It would be easy to tell you to quit freaking out, not all men are the same, etc. But it sounds like you have legitimate reasons to be concerned -- assuming that your perspective isn't too tainted by your past.

Does your current husband know about your past? Maybe he just needs to realize that if he's innocent, assuring you rather than pulling back would calm you down. Maybe he just wants to avoid the confrontation. Either way, with some help, you need to develop strategies to figure out where he really is with things.

My main fear is that sometimes, women who can't tell a guy is going to be bad news make it a pattern. Getting an outside, professional opinion could help you see if your fears make sense.

Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions. Double Take Archive:
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