As you struggle to read this with that one sleepy eye just barely open, you're probably deep into your post-Thanksgiving tryptophan coma, sitting peacefully on the sofa with a laptop balanced by your gut. Maybe you're still trying to rationalize the fact that your projectile shirt button flew across the dinner table and killed Uncle Dave.
"At least he died so I could have more gravy."
"He would've wanted it that way."
But don't worry. Nobody blames you for murdering Uncle Dave; everyone's just too happy to see your sweet punim back at home. They love you, and it's good to spend quality time with your family during Thanksgiving. Besides, if you get it over with now you won't have to suffer again for another year.
Think of it like an annual physical. Just turn your head to the left and give Nana a kiss.
Of course, the only real alternative to being fat, sleepy and useless in the living room is to actually get out of the house and do some early holiday shopping with the masses. Which is a terribly misguided idea because (A) it involves being around other people and (B) putting on pants. Most retailers sort of require that.
The bottom line is that there's no real point being out in public at this stage of the food coma. Stay home. Embrace the chemicals. Be lazy. And, so long as you've got the laptop out, you might as well join us in 2012 and do all your shopping the way Al Gore intended: Online, half-awake and fully bloated. America!
And, hey, just to make it even easier, I've already uncovered a great trending gift that, while not necessarily new, has gained renewed popularity on the interwebs.
It's called the Boyfriend Pillow.
Essentially, this thing serves as a bedtime substitute for the missing man in your life. Feel the warmth and security as you curl its plush arm around your body and rest your head on the half-chested slab of memory foam that oddly happens to be wearing a full button-down shirt to bed. Did he just come home drunk from happy hour? Again?
Oh, but you don't care. You still love him.
"Mmmm, let's go to sleep. What do you say, sexy Boyfriend Pillow?"
"I want a Hot Pocket."
For those who prefer the comfort of a woman in bed, they also make the Girlfriend Pillow. It's essentially the same idea as the male version, but this one has large, and astonishingly disproportionate, memory foam breasts.
The other major difference is that (shocker) the Girlfriend Pillow isn't wearing a shirt, because, clearly, this was designed by a man. And likely one who reads Maxim.
So, if you're actually interested in buying one of these pillows, both the male and female versions run about $30 and are sold by a company called Deluxe Comfort. Even if you're not interested, you might still find amusement from the descriptions on their website.
In promoting the Boyfriend Pillow, they write: "This fun and cozy snuggle pillow is excellent for people whose partner is away on military leave or work absence. Singles, who desire to feel the touch of a man, without actually having to be with one, will love it too."
It's the second part that concerns me: "...without actually having to be with one."
Are we men really that bad?
Let's just allow their product overview for the Girlfriend Pillow to answer that: "...maybe you enjoy a better sleep when you locate your neck in your girlfriend or wife's breast."
Confirmed. It appears we are, in fact, horrible people. But at least we're consistent.
So, if giving weird, possibly inappropriate gifts is your thing, hop online before they're all gone on Cyber Monday. And maybe get one of these for your dear, sad auntie.
Perhaps she'll enjoy having someone next to her in bed again.
Of course, there's no replacing Uncle Dave.