When he saw me, he stuck out his hand to shake mine, then threw up one finger, saying "I'll be with you in a minute."

SURVEY Do you stay friends with your former boyfriends or girlfriends? No way. There was a reason for the dumping. Yes. There's a reason we dated for so long. No, I've got enough friends. Results | Disclaimer

After standing there for several minutes, trying to look busy, it dawned on me: Why was I neglecting my date, waiting to talk to a guy who I decided was not interesting enough years ago? So I walked away.

Later on, Jake found me in the club, and we actually had a decent conversation, reminiscing about mutual friends and shared times. There was no spark, just friendly fun.

But does that mean Jake and I should be friends?

I asked my friend Amy if she's friends with any of her exes, and she winced in pain, "They're all psychos." Sure, that's a good enough reason for me. I've dated a few men who I assume are now either institutionalized or making someone else miserable.

If someone brings you pain, there is no reason a friendship should be attempted, and that's a rule not worth debating. But I do maintain a few solid friendships with men of my romantic past, and I'm not alone. They are my "friendly formers," and we continue to enhance each other's lives even though "our" time has passed.

I keep in contact Todd, who I dated for two years, by phone and e-mail. It's fun to bounce ideas off him about the man I'm seeing and talk about mutual friends.

Thing is, it took time to get to this point. We didn't have a pretty breakup. In fact, it was quite painful. But about a year or so later, we had moved on and found the ability to enjoy each other in a new way.

Some people I know try to rush the friendship after the breakup. I've seen friends try to lessen the blow to the dumpee this way. However, if you really mean it when you say, "Let's be friends," don't expect it overnight. The relationship really needs to be over, so there are no mixed signals.

Still, many of us don't keep in contact even if things end on good terms, because former flames are not worth the effort. My friend Joanna likes to keep a close circle of friends, and former lovers just don't make the cut.

"Friends require effort that exes don't really deserve," she explained. Perhaps that sounds cold, but as far as she's concerned, if she liked the person enough to keep around, they wouldn't have broken up.

It's also possible that keeping an ex around is an attempt to hold onto something that you should let go of. Maybe you haven't met anyone better or like to have access to someone who used to love you when you're down about your love life.

Even when one is completely happy in love it can be hard, especially on your partner, to make room for an ex.

My friend Alex is not comfortable with his girlfriend being buddy-buddy with a former love. It's just too threatening, he finds. What if they get back together? What's he giving her that I'm not?

Even a person who is secure in the relationship can find a partner's history threatening. Plus, making the effort to support a discontinued relationship may appear as if it's not really over.

Maybe life is easier if you just stick to the rule that when a relationship is done, it's time to delete that name from your address book.

And, in general, if you feel the need to hide a friendship from your partner, that's probably a bad sign.

During our conversation Friday night, Jake the cop gave me his number for "a drink some time." He has a girlfriend and I was on a date, making it a friendly gesture.

The number's in my cell phone, but I don't expect to call ... unless, of course, a speeding ticket comes my way. Because what are friends for?

Laura Lewis is an adventurous 20-something who knows how to make the most of being single. Her column appears every other Thursday.

*Some names changed to protect privacy.