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Double Take: Enough Is Enough

Disagreements Threaten Long-Term Relationships

Updated: 9:10 a.m. EDT September 17, 2002

Dear Double Take,
I am a 43-year-old divorced male. In my life, I really didn't date too much; didn't think girls/women liked me. Nevertheless, about nine months ago, I met a woman who I was attracted to. We have been dating ever since.
My problems are these. First, we've have never made love and I was informed by her that we probably never will. I have not been with a woman since 1995, prior to my divorce.
Two, on several occasions she has announced that her kids will always come before another man, and she has announced this in front of her kids. Consequently, the authority that I once had in my house is gone; they just go to their mother to get what they want (we live together).
Third, she constantly sleeps on the couch, saying that she just fell asleep. Her friends and mine have told me that she is very irresponsible. Every Thursday and Saturday night, she goes out with her friends or daughter and doesn't come home until after 2 a.m. Then she has to eat something and watch TV, then right to sleep on the couch. I have bought her a TV for the bedroom to eliminate the excuse that she wants to watch TV, but it is starting all over again.

We've have had many a discussions about the way I feel but nothing gets resolved. I am almost at the end of my rope. Please advise.

ALANA SAYS:

I'm a little confused about this arrangement. You're living together, yet she says you will probably never have sex?

The falling-asleep-on-the-couch thing isn't a good sign, especially since you've told her how you feel. Has your relationship always been without intimacy of any kind, or is this a new development?

It sounds to me like she isn't very passionate about you. For heaven's sakes, you've only been dating nine months -- you're still supposed to be all over each other.

And since she's showing no interest, her actions lead me to believe she's using you -- either for a place to live or to keep her from getting too lonely, or for some other reason. Or perhaps she has some sort of fear of intimacy. Have you asked her?

As far as the kids coming first goes, you can't really argue with that -- her kids should be her first priority. But you're right, she shouldn't have stripped you of all authority.

I think you should take a step back and see how she really feels. Have you dug into the sex issue? Or her avoidance of intimacy? Does she have some emotional problems you're not aware of?

Again, you're only nine months in to this relationship. You still have time to get out of it if you can't work out these issues. Let her know you're serious about them and that you're considering calling it off entirely. Perhaps then the truth will emerge.

But if you're really committed to this woman, perhaps you should pursue counseling together to work through these issues that discussions alone haven't resolved.

EDDIE SAYS:

Counseling? Yes, you may need to talk to someone who can deal with issues of the head, but couple's counseling isn't the answer here -- primarily because you aren't a couple! You're just some guy whose house she's crashing at.

At least that's how it sounds. I guess it could be that she's not sharing your bed because you're not married, but I'm sure you would have mentioned that to me. She's not snuggling up with you because she doesn't want to, man. And it doesn't sound to me like she's being very ambiguous about it.

You may be shy, awkward or inexperienced (in fact, I'd say there's a strong chance of this), so perhaps you just need someone to say this clearly: This woman doesn't even consider you an option. If you want to find a loving, fun relationship, find someone who acts exactly the opposite of your current boarder.

Maybe not the exact opposite of her. It is good for parents to put their kids first. But that means putting their safety and well-being first, not always saying, "Boyfriend says black, kid says white, kid must be right." She's still got to be the parent, and if she chooses to share her life with someone else -- no, it still isn't you -- she needs to work that out.

As for you ... get rid of her, shampoo the couch and maybe get some positive affirmation tapes to play on that new TV in your bedroom.

Dear Double Take,
I live with my fiance and 10-year-old daughter from my first marriage. I've been with this guy since 1996, living together since 1998. We were planning to marry after we got settled in the house, but just never got around to it.
My problem is the difference in the way he interacts with his 9-year-old daughter, who lives with her mother, and mine. I understand the biological-parent thing, but he will do headstands to get this girl to come over, talks to her, watches TV and plays games with her -- which is all wonderful.
However, when it comes to my child, he won't do squat. She just finished her first softball season, which he made no attempt to attend. For his daughter, he would work double time and get off early to attend an event for her.
When the subject comes up for discussion it usually ends up in an argument because he doesn't see anything wrong with his actions. Then bottom line is that my daughter isn't his. He says if he could adopt her, things would be different. I think this is a bunch of crap, that he likes being the part-time dad to his daughter and had no desire to be a dad to mine -- and therefore he's not good enough to marry anyway.
Part of the reason I divorced my first husband was because of his inability to be a father; he believed his responsibility ended with his paycheck.

I am not saying I am mother of the year and a wonderful person to be with. But shouldn't a person's desire to interact with your child be a big part of your decision to stay with that person?

EDDIE SAYS:

Sounds like you're able to get at the heart of the issue, even if it takes an argument to get there: He feels a much stronger connection to his own kid than to yours.


	DOUBLE TAKE Do you disagree with Alana and Eddie's advice? Share Your Thoughts Life Files Archive

You're right that it's natural, and I suspect that his talk about adopting your daughter -- a spectacularly bad idea if you keep forgetting to get married, oopsie! -- is just a smokescreen. In a blended family like this, love should lead to the legal matters; it doesn't work the other way around.

If you've been living together for four years and he's still indifferent to your daughter, that's not liable to change. It really is something you need to consider if you're planning marriage. Not just for how it might be to her to grow up with a "father figure" like that, but part of marriage is that you combine your families. That lasts beyond your life. Is this a man you want raising your daughter if something happens to you?

But, if you feel confident that you're going to stick around for at least another decade, maybe one thing to consider is how your daughter feels. Does she feel slighted? Does she have other men in her life who can show her what a good guy is like? If so, maybe she doesn't need her mom's husband to be her stepdad.

He's not willing to change, that much is clear. So ask him to go to the games with you, but don't expect much if you stick around.

ALANA SAYS:

Isn't one of the biggest reasons for getting married starting a family? In your case, both you and your fiance have already started families -- but the point of getting married is to bring them together.

I'd be pretty insulted if someone who claimed to love me so thoroughly showed so little interest in someone I so obviously cared about. You are definitely justified in not accepting that kind of behavior. You -- and your daughter -- will be struggling with his lack of interest forever if you don't put your foot down.

He's treating your daughter as though she's something that belongs in "your world" -- like shopping with the girls or going out with work friends. But your daughter is part of the relationship deal: To marry you, a guy has to also accept your daughter as an important part of your combined lives, as I'm sure you do to his daughter ... right?

So what can you do? Tell him how much it hurts you (and probably your daughter) that he seems to have no interest. He doesn't even have to be a "dad" -- just a supportive adult friend. Even that type of figure would make an attempt to show up for one of her softball games.

However, since he's been around for so long, don't expect him to suddenly become interested in your daughter's life. He might try to fake it, but nobody will buy that -- least of all the girl in question. So really, you have to either accept this lack of interest or tell him to hit the road.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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